The Rules of Life
by IxAmxAnxOxymoron
Summary: Kaida and Katra have been working at 'The Plot' for three years. They know all the regulars names, and few times are there new customers. When a group of sexy, black clad men come to the club, things start going... well, weird... AU, M for language. OC.
1. The Rules of Tending Bar

KONICHIWA!!!!!!!!!!! OK, First things first. Many, Many, many, many, MANY pairings in here, from SasuNaru to ItaOC to GaaKat (read Wintery Blush or A Naruto Story for details) to ShikaTem. I've even got the sannin with somebody in here! Just don't hate me, Okay?

Also, I'm sure you've noticed that my stories often have something to do with a bar. This is only a coincidence, I promise! I actually spend no time in bars or clubs, I just find them fascinating places. It kinda makes me sad that I'll only be a designated driver for the rest of my life… (can't hold liquor worth shit)

Well, Disclaimers! Only the plot and _The Plot_ belong to me. And Kai and Kat. Well, I _am_ Kai and Kat, so… I guess it's kinda a given, right? Well, I'll talk to you when chapter ichi is done, ne?

-

**The Rules of Tending Bar**

"Katra? Dammit, Katra! Don't do this to me! We don't have the time for this! Shit shit shit shit shit…." Kaida paced up and down her apartment, cursing at the damn 'best friend' that put her through this shit daily. "When I get my hands on her, I'll-"

"Kaida!!!! I'm here, let's go!" a voice called through the door. Kai immediately grabbed her jacket and pushed into the hallway, slamming the door behind her.

"You," she growled, putting her face right into Katra's, "were supposed to be here half an hour ago." Katra put her hands up as if in defeat and smiled weakly as her friend shoved past her.

"Well, you remember that guy I met last week at the bar?" Katra began, following Kaida down the stairs.

"Which one?" Kai smirked as she raced out the front of the building and onto the street.

"The sexy American one," Katra stated trailing behind her friend. Kai nodded and she continued, "Well, I accidentally ran into him on the subway and he told me the number I gave him was for an Italian restaurant. So I had to convince him that he had gotten the last two numbers switched, except they were both fives. I told him he was mistaken, that there was a four there, but he didn't believe me. But then we came to the next exit so I immediately got off, except I was in Shibuya, so I had to wait for the next train and so that's why I was late." Katra finished her explanation with a huff as she stepped into the cab Kai had called.

"So basically you accidentally got off in Shibuya on the way here because you were flirting with an American guy," Kai stated flatly. Katra blushed and pretended to look for something in her purse and Kaida gave an exhausted sigh.

"You know, we're extremely lucky that Tsunade-sama likes us," Kai grunted as the cab came to a halt after a very long, awkward, silent drive.

"Yeah, I know," Katra smiled, stepping out of the car after her friend. The two ran past the forming line of clubbers and goths to the front where a security guard stood by a large, metal door.

"Hiya, Ebisu-san," Katra said as she came to a stop in front of the large man.

"Katra-san," He said gruffly, nodding to her and the girl beside.

"Can you let us in? We needed to be here te-"

"Ten minutes ago, yeah. You know, I have orders that I can't let you two in through the front door again. Right from the top. You're _supposed_ to go through the back," The man said sternly.

"Yeah, but it takes us five minutes to walk all the way 'round back!" Kat whined, "We're already in a bunch of trouble, a little more won't hurt!" Unfortunately, Ebisu stood his ground and leaned against the heavy door. Kat's shoulders slumped, but Kaida pushed past her friend.

"Listen, Ebisu-kun. It's entirely my fault we're late. Please at least let Kat-chan in now so she doesn't get into any trouble. I'll walk around back, but she doesn't deserve to have any more money docked," Kaida gave the large man enormous puppy-dog eyes that made his shoulders relax a little. She then went onto her toes so she spoke directly into his ear and blew in it lightly. "And, if you let her in, I can guarantee that there will be something in it for you. Something _very_ nice." Ebisu blushed red as she nonchalantly pulled something out of her purse. Kaida dropped back onto her heels and held the 'something' up in front of Ebisu's nose.

"Is this-?" he began, starting to drool, his eyes wide.

"Yup," Kaida nodded. "It's a free ticket to the _most_ exclusive dinner-and-a-show in town, here for one night only. If you let her in, I'll make sure it gets to you before this night's over." A pool had started forming at Ebisu's feet as she went through all this, and by the time Kai had finished talking, the door was wide open and Kat already through it. Kaida tucked the ticket between Ebisu's arms and followed her friend. The moment she was through, the door slammed and the pitch-black room engulfed her.

**Rule #1 of Tending Bar**: Arrive at work on time, if not five minutes early. If you own a bar, you don't believe in excuses.

"- Be so careless?!" someone was yelling from the back.

"I know, Tsunade-sama! It won't happen again, I promise!" Katra called as she came out of the back of the restaurant. "Man, Kai-chan, she's _really_ pissed!" she whispered, handing an apron to Kaida. Kaida deadpanned as her schitzy friend began rambling about how bosses are just pains in the ass in disguise.

"You ready for the Friday crowd?" Kaida asked as she positioned herself behind the counter.

"I never am," Katra answered truthfully getting ready for the 'rush'. There were two short knocks on the door and the DJ started playing music. Another two knocks and people slowly began streaming in. The first people were to the bar in about six seconds ordering their first drinks of the night.

"Welcome to _The Plot_!" The women cried in unison.

"Heya, girls!" Their first and favorite regular called his typical greeting.

"Jiraiya!" Kaida smiled, discretely pushing his arm away as he tried to hug her. In three years he _still_ hadn't succeeded. "Usual tonight?" She asked, reaching for a cup.

"Nah, I had a tough day today. Vodka straight up, okay, babe?" He requested, staring at her chest as she bent to get the alcohol. Kaida just rolled her eyes and poured the drink, moving on to her next customer.

-

About an hour into the 'Friday Rush', their shot-girl arrived and found her way behind the bar.

"Hinata-chan!" Katra yelled, snapping her towel at the skittish girl.

"W-wh-what? Hinata yelped, jumping as she pulled out a tray and several small glasses.

"Where ya been, girl? We've been swamped, and this guy keeps askin' bout ya! And we haven't been able to tell him anything because you don't have the decency to go out and buy a friggin cell phone!" Katra called as she snapped the towel again.

"Kat-chan, stop intimidating the little pussy girl," Kaida said sarcastically, mixing up a 'sex on the beach' and handing it to the chick over the counter. Hinata shrugged and frowned as she finished making the little shots and leaving the counter to weave through the crowd.

"So, baby, seen anybody hot tonight?" some guy asked Katra as she turned back to the bar.

"Not till I saw you," She flirted, leaning on the counter. Kaida rolled her eyes again and turned back to her current customer.

"Is that all?" She asked the girl as she took and sipped the drink.

"Yeah, um, you work here, right?" Kaida nodded at the dumb question. "Do you know who those guys are?" the girl asked, pointing at a group of men in a corner. Kaida glanced over and did a double take. In the corner stood some of the sexiest men she'd ever seen. One had long, dark hair. Another slightly shorter one looked like a mirror image of the first one, but with shorter hair and no markings around his eyes. Next to him was a blonde with six scars on his face and a grin as well. Beside him, at the same height, stood a red head with 'Ai' tattooed on his forehead. Around them were a few more men, all wearing black, but they faced away from Kaida.

"I've… I've never seen them here before," Kaida said, slightly breathless.

"Oh, that's too bad… Oh well," the girl said, putting a five on the bar and moving away through the crowd.

"So, um, is that Hinata girl here, yet?" Asked a guy moving closer to the counter.

"Oh, you haven't seen her yet?" Kaida asked as she picked up a cup and her towel.

**Rule #2 of Tending Bar**: Whenever you're not serving a drink, you're cleaning a glass for the next one. Your boss can't yell at you for cleaning.

The man shook his head and sat down on one of the stools. "She should be back soon, she just went out around the crowd. Mind if I had a name to give her for when she gets back?"

"Nah, I'll just wait here," The boy said quietly, scratching one of the tattoos beneath his eyes.

"Where'd you get those?" Kaida asked as she sat the cup down and leaned against the bar.

"These?" He asked, motioning to the marks under his eyes. Kaida nodded and he continued. "I was in Mexico not that long ago, and believe me when I tell you that you can get _anything_ done there. You can literally get anything pierced and have a tattoo wherever you like. It's crazy!" the boy said with a bark of laughter.

"Alright… Well, I've got to go tend to patrons, but if you wait here, Hinata-chan will be back soon," Kaida said, starting to move out from the bar. Another of the regulars had waved her over, and as much as she loathed him, he was still top priority. He brought in at least a tenth of the weekly wages. As Kaida passed Katra she hit her in the back of the head and made her go back to work, then slowly made her way to the older man.

"Orochimaru-sama," Kaida said respectfully as she bowed to the man. The boys surrounding him laughed at the gesture, but Kaida kept a smile plastered on her face. "Is there anything I can get for you?" She asked just loudly enough for him to hear her.

"Yes, Kaida-chan. You see, today is young Daisuke-kun's birthday, he's twenty two, so I thought it would be nice if we could get him a little present. This is his party tonight, so I thought we could all have something special. Does that sound good, Daisuke-chan?" the old man asked the boy. 'Daisuke' nodded with a blush and sat next to the snake-like man. The rest of the young boys (meaning from about 18 to 23) giggled as Orochimaru laid his hand on the boy's knee.

"Anything in particular?" Kaida asked the perverted old man.

"Yes, please. Daisuke-kun needs the best drink in the house, with-" here he looked at Daisuke, who nodded, "as much alcohol in it as possible, and the rest of my protégés will have martinis," Orochimaru finished, looking around at the nodding men.

"And for you?" Kaida asked as she took out a bill pad and counting the boys surrounding Orochimaru and Daisuke.

"I'll have my usual," He smiled, his tongue flicking over his lips as he turned to Daisuke.

"Is that all, sir?" Kaida asked the man, but he waved her away as he began molesting the boy's mouth. She snickered and began moving back through the crowd to the bar, but made a sudden detour. As she came to the other group of men (the extremely sexy ones), she stopped. She tapped the tall one on the shoulder and he turned to face her.

"Excuse me, but-"

"I'm gay," the man said quickly, turning back around.

"Good for you," Kaida mumbled, plastering the smile to her face again. "Excuse me, sir, but-"

"What do you want? I already told you, I'm gay! I _won't_ go out with you!" The man said exasperatedly. Kaida looked at him, amused, and quietly said, "Then kiss him."

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Prove it," Kai said a little louder. "Kiss him." Here she pointed to the blonde boy. Said boy's face became red and he began stuttering, trying to give excuses as to _why_ he couldn't kiss the taller man.

"I don't have to prove anything to you," The tall man said, standing up straight and towering over Kaida.

"Calm down, 'Tachi," said the shorter mirror image of the one she spoke to. "She works here. She's not asking for any of our numbers." At this, ' 'Tachi' let his shoulders relax a little.

"Now, may I finish what I was saying?" she asked, and the shorter boy nodded. "Okay, I just came over to say, 'Hello, My name is Hana Kaida. I'm the head bartender here, and I just wanted to ask about how things are going and wondering if anyone needs a drink or a refill?'" 'Tachi slowly moved away from her, the blush dusting his cheeks barely visible in the strobe lights of the club.

"Um, no… No refills… Although, if you could tell Tsunade-san something?" The blonde boy spoke out. Kai nodded and he continued, "Could you tell her that Naruto says, 'Baa-chan, if you don't get out here and talk to me there will be violence,'?"

Kaida stood dumbfounded for a moment, recognizing the voice from somewhere but not sure where. "Uh, sure. I'll deliver the message right now." Kaida bowed and began moving back toward the bar, still trying to place the voice. That name, too. ''Tachi'? Not very typical. When she got to the counter, she headed behind it and slapped Katra yet again.

"Get your ass to work!" She scolded.

"And what if I don't?" Katra asked, starting their nightly 'Men's Performance'. Everyone in the club quieted as they watched the scene unfold.

Kaida grabbed her hair from behind and pulled her back, whispering in her ear, "Then it'll be mine when we get home." The silence in the bar made her words echo around the room. Newcomers to the club looked on in awe as they had never seen such a sight, the boys gazing on intently and the ladies whispering about what happened.

"In your dreams," Katra snarled as Kaida spun her around.

"Every night," Kaida whispered seductively as she leaned down, her lips almost brushing Katra's.

"W-we can't…" Katra said, blushing and closing her eyes.

"Please, Kat. Please…" Kaida whimpered, resting her forehead on Katra's.

"But all these people are here… They're watching us… We can't," Katra stated quietly, turning away to face the wall. Kaida wrapped her arms around her friend from behind and rested her chin on Katra's shoulder.

"They can't watch us in the back," Kaida said in an undertone. She pretended to lick Katra's ear, who moaned _very_ realistically. Kat then nodded and took the hands from her waist. Without letting go she lead Kaida in to the back, and the door closed behind them. A sudden applause erupted in the bar and Kaida began laughing.

"That was so great! Did you see the newbies in the corner? The looks on their faces were priceless!" Kaida said, trying to stop laughing. Indeed, the men in the corner had looks of utter shock on their faces, the blonde laughing at the tall dark-haired one that had assumed Kaida was hitting on him.

"Of _course_ I couldn't see them! I _always_ face _away_ from the counter! Couldn't I just once be seme?" Katra whined as she began unbuttoning her shirt and re-buttoning it sloppily, missing a button or a hole here and there. Kaida took off her shirt and put it back on inside out.

"Sure you can. Be more responsible and it would totally work. But you have to have discipline to take the part, okay?" Kaida stated as she unzipped her pants halfway. "Do you think you can do all of the sounds on your own, today? I have a message for Tsunade and an order for Yuki that I have to finish writing up."

"No problem," Katra said quietly, then suddenly began moaning and mumbling, every once in a while saying, 'Yes, Kaida! _YES!_' Kaida headed through the other door, down a hall and to the last door on the left.

"Tsunade-sama?" she asked, knocking on the door and opening it. "Tsunade-sama, I have a me-… Jiraiya… Tsunade… I'll be going now…" she said quietly as she backed out of the still open door and down the hall. Once she was ten feet from the door, she turned and ran to the hall bathroom. There she sat by the toilet bowl, her face pressed against the cool porcelain. She wretched at the image plastered in her mind. A few moments passed, but nothing came up. Slowly, the scarred girl passed into a dark oblivion that she welcomed with open arms.

**Rule #3 of Tending Bar**: Don't eat before you get to work. When someone pukes in the corner, you don't want to be the second one.

-

"Kaida-chan? Oh, Kami… Kaida-chan? Come on, hon, wake up… See what you did? If you weren't such a pervert, none of this would have happened!" A woman's voice drifted to Kaida through the darkness.

"Five more minutes, Kaasan…" Kaida mumbled, trying to roll over. A horrible aching in her head prevented this, and she slowly opened her eyes.

"Oh, Kami-sama! Are you all right, Kaida-chan? Are you okay?" Tsunade murmured, holding something to Kaida's lips. Kaida nodded slightly and accepted the liquid, drinking it feverishly. A moment later she regretted this, sneezing and spewing some of the liquid through her nose. She immediately sat up, coughing and spluttering, her lungs aching for oxygen.

"The hell is that?!" She asked through her coughs. Jiraiya smiled at the young girl and hid a bottle behind his back.

"It's one of my specialties, cooked it up earlier," he grinned as she continued to sputter.

"Tell her the truth, Baka-ne!" Tsunade yelled, whacking the depraved man upside the head.

"Tequila and vodka with a Tabasco spin," he muttered, dropping the now closed bottle and looking away.

"T-tabasco?!" Kaida cried, suddenly noticing that it wasn't only the nastiness that made her cough. A burning fire at the back of her mouth cried out for soothing water, but none came her way. "Water!" Kaida croaked as the raging fire began moving to the tip of her tongue and down her throat. Tsunade found a cup and poured water from a pitcher on the desk, but Kaida ignored the offer. She grabbed the pitcher drank from it greedily, water pouring down her chest.

"This is great for my next book!" Jiraiya said suddenly, taking out his notebook and starting to sketch. Tsunade ripped the book from his hands and threw it on her chair as Kaida slowly put the pitcher down, her mouth no longer feeling like it was going to bleed.

"Are you okay?" Tsunade asked. Kaida nodded. "Are you sure?" She asked again. The younger woman simply glared at her boss and hopped off the desk. "If you're fine, then why'd you bust in here anyway?" Tsunade suddenly asked, becoming business-like again.

"What? Oh! You had a message. Apparently, Naruto says, 'Baa-chan, if you don't get out here and talk to me there will be violence,'" Kaida said as she headed for the door. "I think it's the same little kid that always calls on Tuesday evenings." Tsunade went still as Kaida left, looking for an order pad. _Thank you for a brilliant memory, Kaasan,_ she thought as she began writing down Orochimaru's order.

"NARUTO!!!" Tsunade suddenly came crashing into the corridor and past Kaida, a feeble Jiraiya tailing her. She burst into the club through a side entrance and bulldozed her way through the crowd to her adopted 'nephew'.

Kaida went through to the storeroom and noticed that Katra was no longer there. _How long was I out?_ She wondered as she passed through the door back into the club.

"Hey, Kaida, this guy's been asking about you! He seemed pretty persistent, and _man_ he's gorgeous! Oh, and about five seconds ago Tsunade came crashing through the door, yelling and screaming about some fish cakes… Seriously, I think she's lost it." Katra said quietly as Kai slipped the waitress the order pad and began mixing up drinks.

"Oh, yeah?" the younger girl asked as she poured up the 'most alcoholic drink in the house'. "Where is she?" she looked around for Tsunade and the 'Gorgeous Guy' but saw neither.

"I don't know where Tsunade went. She disappeared into the mosh pit. I think _he_ went back to his friends, and I think they're the newbies you mentioned…" Katra trailed off, looking towards the corner. "I've never seen them before, but they are gorgeous! But, for some reason, half of the chicks are avoiding them entirely. The other half are standing there drooling, but not talking to them. Not even Kin has tried to get them.

"Seriously? Tsuchi-chan just left them alone? Wow… Oh! Maybe it's because they keep telling everyone they're gay," Kaida murmured as she handed the first batch of drinks to Yuki and starting on the second. "Well, did the guy who's crushing on me tell you anything?"

"Like what?"

"Like his name, or what he thought about me?"

"Umm… Itachi." Suddenly, something clicked.

"Wait, what?!"

**Rule #4 of Tending Bar: **Don't work somewhere that your childhood friends will recognize you. It's awkward and weird. Just don't do it.

BTW, I _was_ thinking of putting Haku in here, instead of Daisuke, but then I remembered that A) Haku's dead and B) That would mean having a later chapter where Zabuza beat the shit out of Orochimaru for taking his little pedo-lover… Oh, and also…. C) … _**HAKU IS NOT A BOY!!!!!!!! **_ ……………………….. That is all.

Katra: Muahahaha!!!! CLIFFIE!!!!

Kaida: Damn, we're evil.

Katra: YESH!!! And, you know who else is evil?

Kaida: Ohshi-

Katra: ABIGAIL!!!! _–opens Abi's cage-_

Kaida: -t. See what you did? Now everyone's gonna get really emo and not want to read the next chapter! I bet they won't even want to review!

Katra: … I'm sorry, sempai…

Kaida: It's… Okay, I guess. But now it's your job to catch the little emo girl, okay?

Katra: Well, I would, but I can't.

Kaida: Why?

Katra: Because I'm having the baby right now!

Kaida: …. What?

Itachi: Give. Me. Bebbie. Now.

Kaida: Great. Now I've got a smexy beast chasing after a not-so-smexy-schitz girl, and I have Announcement duty. Great.

Katra: No! Get away! You can't have the baby till it's out of me! NO!! DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!!!

Kaida: **Anyway, We're still working on Wintery Blush chap. 2, we already started on this chap. 2, and we feel bad because inspiration only comes long enough for us to start a new story. Dammit. Well-**

Itachi: GIVE ME BEBBIE NOW!!!!

Katra: EEEEEWWWWWW!!! PERVERT!!!!! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MEE!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! KAI-CHAN!!!!!!!!

Kaida: Stop calling me that. **Well, we need a beta. Anyone have any suggestions? We're open to all. Oh, and we beta now. Be proud. Well, I have to un-sic Itachi long enough for a fake baby to be born. Hope you all enjoyed the first chapter of The Rules.**

Katra: DAMN YOU ITACHI!!!!!!!!! _**YOU DID THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_


	2. The Rules of Finding Love

Um, Hi

**BIG DEADLY IMPORTANT MESSAGE!!  
If you don't review, I'm just going to take the stories off of here, Okay? I'm sorry to everyone who added me on their Faves, but I'm sick and tired of no reviews! IT'S FREAKING BS! If you don't review, I'll just delete the entire account, and yes. You can blame yourself. Okay? No more of this crap about "I don't know if I like it yet... I'll watch it to see." Either you like it, or you don't, but give me SOME SORT OF FEEDBACK!! Was it good, was it bad? Was it just iffy? Tell me these things or so help me God I will utterly ruin every single story on here! I'll delete them off of my computer and destroy them so completely that I will make you hate the pairings with a passion! I appreciate your time and hope you enjoy the stories. **

**Sincerely,  
OxyMoron **

Um, Hi. In this story, ages go like this;

Oldest:

Jiraiya, 66

Tsunade, 65

Orochimaru, 65

Gai, 42

Kakashi, 42

Iruka, 37

Itachi, 32

Kabuto, 30

Deidara, 30

Kankuro, 29

Neji, 28

Temari, 28

Lee, 27

Tenten, 27

Gaara, 27

Kiba, 27

Shino, 27

Ino, 27

Chouji, 26

Sasuke, 26

Shikamaru, 26

Hinata, 26

Naruto, 26

Sakura, 26

Katra, 26

Kaida, 23

Daisuke, 19

Ainu, 6 (daughter of Akamaru, MHRIP)

Youngest

One more thing; I know that everyone's pretty OOC in here… I'm sorry. It worked for the story, so… Yeah. I guess I don't own the characters. As far as I know, the plot's mine, though. I don't remember anybody else using it. Oh, I forgot. Only Kaida and Katra are mine… Oh, and Daisuke. Believe me, he'll be important…. EVENTUALLY!!

* * *

The Rules of Finding Love

The small smiling girl would only be a memory. That was what Itachi had planned years ago. She'd be a memory, nothing more. He'd taken care of her for four months, but when he was relocated he would never see her again. And he'd be okay with that… Or so he thought.

-

"'Tachi! 'Tachi-chan!" the small girl cried, running up to hug his legs.

"Oi, baka-ne! What are you doing here?" he asked the little brunette.

"It's my birthday, and Mommy said that I should come here for a little while! So I came over!" the little girl squealed, looking up at the tall teenager.

"Oh? And how old are you?" He asked, bending down so he was at eye-level with the child.

"I'm, um… This… this many!" she cried, holding up ten fingers.

"I highly doubt that," he said quietly, putting one of her hands and her thumb down. "I think that you're this many."

"No I'm not!" She cried, stomping her foot. She put out her thumb also and said, "I'm this many!" the little girl waved her hand around in front of Itachi, trying to prove that she actually _was_ five years old.

"I don't think so. I think you're only three," Itachi scoffed, standing up straight and towering over the small girl.

"No, I'm older!"

"Six?"

"Younger!"

"Two?"

"_Way_ older!"

"Nine and a Half?"

"Itachi-chan!!" The child stomped her foot again, a pout forming on her lips.

"Then how old are you?" he asked, an amused smirk playing across his mouth.

"I'm five, teme!" She yelled, obviously frustrated that he kept getting it wrong.

"Excuse me?!" He hissed suddenly, looking at her. "_What_ did you just say?"

"Th-that I'm f-five?" she said quietly, his flared temper frightening her.

"After that!"

"T-t-t-teme?" she asked, her voice a mere squeak,

"Who taught you that?" He asked, his eyes burning.

"I-I don't know…" She whimpered, sitting on the ground beside Itachi's feet, her whole body trembling. Itachi's voice softened and he knelt beside the girl.

"I'm sorry, Kaida-chan. Here, to make it up to you I'll take you to get a birthday present, okay?" the small girl looked at him, her tear-streaked face shining a bit, but her lips twitching none the less. Itachi smiled and took her hand as he led her to the nearest market.

* * *

**Rule #1 of Finding Love:** Know that it can be found _literally_ anywhere.

"Ooh, that girl's cute," Kankuro said quietly, gesturing at a girl winding her way through the dancing portion of the club. "And it looks like she's headed right here, too."

"Of _course_ she's headed here. The four of you who won't fit at the table are standing up, and you just happen to be hot as hell. Therefore, every girl in the club will, at one point, make a beeline for you," Ino said to the standing men. Chouji shifted slightly beside her and she leaned into him. "Don't worry, Chouji-kun! They're not _nearly_ as hot as you." Chouji smiled and took a swig of his beer, half-listening to the chatter going on around him between his wife and her new best friend.

Suddenly, a sharp tap on Itachi's left shoulder made him stiffen, and he had spun around before the poor girl even started saying anything.

"Excuse me, but-"

"I'm gay," Itachi said to the girl before spinning back around. She mumbled something he couldn't quite hear, probably a profanity at her misfortune, but he was shocked when she tapped him again.

**Rule #2 of Finding Love:** Not everyone wants you. Deal with it.

"Excuse me, sir, but-"

"What do you want?!" Itachi asked, turning back around to face the woman. "I already told you, I'm gay! I _won't_ go out with you!" he cried before noticing her face. A fake smile was plastered there, a smile he knew, but… where from?

"Then kiss him," She said quietly, smirking. She pointed at Naruto and he began stuttering like crazy. Sasuke started glaring.

"What?" Itachi asked, caught off-guard. Sasuke merely continued to glare.

"B-b-b-but I-I'm n-not h-h-his b-boyf-friend!" Naruto whimpered as he tried to speak clearly. Sasuke glared.

"Prove it. Kiss him," She smiled evilly, knowing that she had just won. Sasuke lessened his glare and spoke.

"Aniki," he murmured beside his older brother. He was ignored. Again, with the glare.

"I don't have to prove anything to you," Itachi said, straightening his back and glaring at the now _hopefully_ intimidated girl. She didn't _look _very intimidated with the smirk on her face and a cocked eyebrow.

"Calm down, 'Tachi," Sasuke said louder. Itachi looked at his brother as he continued. "She works here. She's not asking for any of our numbers." Itachi slowly realized exactly what the younger man said and blushed furiously, backing up towards the booth.

"Now, may I finish what I was saying?" she asked, and Sasuke nodded. "Okay, I just came over to say, "Hello, My name is Yuri Kaida. I'm the head bartender here, and I just wanted to ask about how things are going and wondering if anyone needs a drink or a refill?"

"Um, no… No refills…" Naruto said, now that he had stopped stuttering. "Although, if you could tell Tsunade-san something?" he asked. Kaida nodded. "Could you tell her that Naruto says, 'Baa-chan, if you don't get out here and talk to me there will be violence,'?"

Kaida hesitated for a moment, but said, "Uh, sure. I'll deliver the message right now." She then bowed and started making her way back to the front of the club. Suddenly, Itachi glanced at the girl, remembering who she was.

"There's no way," He said, dumbfounded.

"Hmm?" asked Shikamaru, who had been dozing until now.

"I… I know that girl," Itachi said, leaning against the wall beside the booth. (((A/N btw, these are the kinds of booths that are semi circles. Just thought you might want to know. End A/N)))

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked. "This is your first time in Tokyo in nearly twenty years!."

"Sasuke, do you remember when we lived in that suburb just outside of Tokyo?" He asked quietly. Both Sasuke and Naruto nodded.

"You mean, where you're living now?" Ino chimed in. He nodded.

"We lived there for about how long?" he asked Sasuke.

"Well, from the time that I was five till I was thirteen, so I guess about nine years."

"Yes, but how long did _I_ live there?" Itachi asked, becoming frustrated.

"From when I was five to eight, so three years."

"Yes! And do you remember what my job was until Mom and Dad split up?"

"Yeah, you babysat for one of the local kids. I don't remember her name. Cute kid, though. Really annoying, but cute."

"Kaida-chan," Naruto said quietly. The two brothers had forgotten where they were and that people could hear them talking as they got worked up.

"How do _you_ remember?" Sasuke asked, confused.

"Just because I didn't pay attention in school doesn't mean I didn't pay attention ever!" Naruto replied, sticking his nose in Sasuke's face. With that, Sasuke kissed the nose so near him, making it's owner blush.

"What was that for?" Naruto said, his face turning bright red.

"For being cute," Sasuke replied bluntly as he tried to kiss his boyfriend.

**Rule #3 of Finding Love: **There is no need to show POA everywhere where you go. Making out in the middle of church is _not_ a good idea.

"Right… well, anyway, that girl said her name was Kaida. I think that was the girl I babysat for!" Itachi said to his brother's friends, getting them back on subject.

"Seriously?" Naruto asked, ducking away from Sasuke. "She got hot."

"Naruto!" Sasuke gasped, acting very hurt. "Don't tell me you've started batting for the other team again! I thought you were with me!" He said, looking away and crossing his arms.

"I am. I just happen to think she's hot. I can think a girl's hot. It's not like you never thought another _guy_ was hot." Sasuke still wouldn't look at him. "Oh, come on Sasu-chan!" Sasuke turned around, his back to Naruto. The blonde boy went over to him, winding his hands around his waist and whispering in his ear. Sasuke suddenly blushed and spun around.

"Okay!" he exclaimed, kissing the shorter boy and getting over his anger.

"I agree," Shikamaru said quietly, making everyone turn to the normally sleeping boy. "Last time I saw her she was flat as a board and had a stupid smile on her face."

"How'd you remember her?" Ino asked suddenly. "I thought you forgot everything about Konoha except Sasuke."

"Well, she was the most rebellious kid I'd ever sat for. She even rivaled Sasuke, and he was three years older than her," he replied, smirking as Sasuke deadpanned.

"I wasn't that rebellious."

"Yes you were," Naruto grinned, earning him a smack on the head.

"Anyway, I think…. I think I'm going to go talk to her. See if she remembers me," Itachi said quietly. Suddenly, a hush stole over the club.

"_Then it'll be mine when we get home,"_ a girl's voice sounded through the club, and the standing men looked toward where it came from. At the front of the club, behind the bar, Kaida was gripping the other barkeep by the hair, whispering into her ear.

"In your dreams," The other one snapped as she spun around.

"Every night," Kaida replied, leaning over to kiss the slightly taller girl.

"W-we can't…" the tall blonde girl said quietly.

"Please, Kat. Please…" Kaida begged.

"But all these people are here… They're watching us… We can't," 'Kat' stated quietly, turning away to face the wall. Kaida wrapped her arms around the other girl from behind and rested her chin on Kat's shoulder.

"They can't watch us in the back," Kaida said in an undertone. She licked Kat's ear, who moaned _very_ loudly. Kat then nodded and took the hands from her waist. Without letting go she lead Kaida in to the back, and the door closed behind them.

A sudden applause broke out through the bar, and several of the men at the booth began mopping up the blood pouring from their noses. Then, the moaning began.

"Yes, Kaida! Oh, Kami! YES!" came the voice of Kat from behind the door.

"What. The. Hell?" Itachi asked his brother's friends. Most of the men sat in awe, holding napkins to their noses, while the women shook their heads and lowered their heads, blushing embarrassedly.

After about ten minutes, the back room quieted down, and five minutes after that Kat stumbled out, looking flushed. Her clothes and hair were in disarray and she seemed a little weak in the knees.

"She's a good actress," Sasuke murmured. Itachi and Kankuro looked at him, confused, but he just sniggered.

**Rule #4 of Finding Love:** Not _everybody_ wants to know about your… _Love_ life.

"I know exactly what ukes act like after a good round." Sasuke smirked at Naruto, who blushed, and continued, "She shouldn't be walking, even after one with a chick. Even after five minutes. He waits no less than ten minutes before he even gets out of bed, let alone gets dre-"

"That's _enough_, Sasuke-kun!" Naruto cried, forcing a laugh and covering Sasuke's mouth while gripping his arm harshly with the other hand.

"Sorry, Naru-_chan_, did I make you mad?" Sasuke asked as he pulled his boyfriend's hand away from his mouth. Itachi sighed and decided that, if Kat was done, Kaida probably would be out soon, so he headed towards the bar. He was intercepted several times by girls that were drooling, but ignored them easily by going on about how he was gay.

"Hey," Itachi said as he got to the bar. His deep voice wasn't loud, but it obviously got the girl's attention.

"Hey, baby. Anything I can do for you?" She asked, cocking her eyebrow and leaning over to show the full extent of her bosom. _Sleaze._

"I was told to talk to Yuri Kaida-san if I needed anything… When can I do that?" He asked, standing straighter, trying to give her the hint.

"She's still out back," the bartender said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, "But I'm sure I can handle anything that she can, if it's important."

"… No, I don't think so. Could you please tell Yuri-san that Itachi would like to speak to her? It's rather urgent," Itachi said after swallowing the bit of throw-up that had lodged itself in his throat.

"Sure, when she resurfaces I'll make sure that she gets your name, hot stuff." Kami, how Itachi hated fangirls. He sat and ordered a '_Plot-less Martini',_ the house special. As Kat mixed it she began rambling, and Itachi left this universe for one in his own mind, a small place he liked to call 'Mangekyou Sharingan', because in this little world all he saw was a few spinning black commas on a canvas of red. Sometimes he thought that it worked so well he could drag others in with him.

Itachi suddenly became aware of the tall glass in front of him and the girl staring at him intently.

"Arigato," he murmured as he took a sip of the soothing liquid. It occurred to him that this was his first drink of the night, and it was already nearing midnight. Considering the fact that he'd gotten there at least two hours before, Itachi felt proud. _Take that, Deidara!_ He thought about his best friend's bet with him that he couldn't go to a bar without getting drunk within three point five hours of arriving.

"Ma'am?" Itachi called to the tender. She looked up from the conversation she was currently engaged in and smiled at him.

"Yes?"

"Please be sure to tell Yuri-san that I came up here. I must return to my brother now." As he turned and began walking away, he heard her whisper to her slut-friend, _'Beautiful brotherly love, ne?'_

Damn, he hated fangirls. Itachi had just made it back to his brother and co. when a door near the bar flew open.

"Naruto's here!" the crazy, busty lady cried as she rushed into the screaming pile of moshers between the bar and the booths.

"Dammit…" Sasuke muttered as he tightened his hold on his boyfriend. He did _not_ want to give him up to his crazy Aunt.

"Sasuke, let go. You're hurting me," Naruto complained as Sasuke relaxed his entire body on Naruto's, making the small frame sway.

"NARUTO!! NARUTO-BAKA!!" Tsunade yelled as she made it through to the group of men to her little Naruto. She scooped him up into a hug, and, as Sasuke was leaning on his uke, he toppled over.

"What the hell, you crazy old bat?!" Sasuke said as he stood, brushing himself off.

"Baa-chan _–cough-_ Baa-chan… -_wheeze_- I can't… -_gasp_- breathe… –_faint_-" Naruto spluttered, trying to take air into his lungs. As his body went limp from effort, Tsunade relaxed her grip and let him fall, coughing, into Sasuke's arms.

"What did you do to my Naru-chan?!" Sasuke said, becoming overly protective again. Everyone else (with the exception of Itachi and Gaara) was rolling around in their seats, laughing.

"Dammit! How come everyone is fainting today?" She asked as she waved the shot-girl over. The shot girl, who had been nicely and shyly chatting up Kiba at the bar, sighed and brought her tray of alcohol to her boss.

"Anything I can get you, Tsunade-sama?" she inquired, holding the tray very carefully. Tsunade took two for herself and offered one to each of the men, which most politely declined.

"Are they free?" Kankurou asked greedily.

"This round is, yes," Tsunade replied dryly. At this, everyone took a glass from the shy girl who was blushing furiously as she took in the crowd surrounding her superior.

"Um…" she looked down as the last cup was removed from her possession. "Look at that! My tray's empty… I guess I should get some more drinks, then?" Without a reply, the petite girl shuffled away, glancing back a few times when she thought no one was looking.

"See, Shino? There are plenty of cute girls! You just have to find them, and this is the perfect place! We're coming here again!" Kankurou said as he watched the short girl run back to the bar.

"Nope. You leave Hinata alone. She just now finally got into a good relationship, nobody at this table is screwing it up or so help me Kami you will never see the inside of this bar again," Tsunade scolded, drinking her first shot in a gulp. "Now, Naruto-kun! Tell me why you haven't called for two weeks! I've been so worried!"

"Sorry, Baa-chan…" Naruto said quietly, looking down and blushing, "It's just that… Well… You know how I've been living in Osaka?" His aunt nodded. "Well, Sasuke and I have been together for a while, but he hates commuting from Hokkaido to Osaka every weekend, so we decided to have a happy medium! Tokyo's right between them, kinda, more-or-less, right? So… We decided that this would be the best place to move! And also, I missed you and loved you andIhavenoplacetostaysowewerehopingthatyouwouldletuscrashatyourplaceuntilwehaveoneofourown."(1)

"What was that last part?" Tsunade asked, finishing her second shot and calling over an older-than-the-others waitress, Yuki.

"Can we?" Naruto asked eagerly as the girl brought Tsunade another drink, this one larger than the others.

"Sheur, why not? Ahm still not sure whatchasaid, but if mah Naruto-aka-chan needsh shomethin', hish anty can provide it!" Tsunade slurred after downing the large drink. She handed the cup back to Yuki, who marched off after being waved down by Kaida from the bar.

"Kaida-chan's back out!" Itachi almost cried out. Before he did, though, he remembered that he was an Uchiha and so he simply muttered his words of excitement.

"Yep! Kaida'sh mah best employee! If it wasn't for that Kachruh she would prolly be puttin' me outta bisness…" the barkeep flopped sideways onto her least-favorite (and only) 'nephew-in-law' as she lost her balance. "Whoops! Guess that means no more tonight!" She smiled, her cheeks crimson from the liquor that she had inhaled.

"Right… I'm going to talk to Kaida-san," Itachi said slowly as he left his poor otouto to deal with a drunk woman and the crowd that had begun forming as the scene grew more hilarious.

"Itachi!" Kaida cried as he approached the bar. His pace quickened slightly as he urged himself to calm down.

"Yuri-san," He said formally as he reached the bar.

"Yes… You _are_ Uchiha Itachi, ne?"

"Yes," he replied tentatively.

**Rule #5 of Finding Love:** Finding love is _not_ by chance, no matter what age you are.

-

(1) What Naruto said, "We decided that this would be the best place to move! And also, I missed you and loved you and I have no place to stay so we were hoping that you would let us crash at your place until we have one of our own?"

Kaida: Well, there's another cliffie. You know what? I think that we should have this whole story out by July at the way it's coming out of my mind into words. I think you all will enjoy it.

Katra: ……….

Kaida: What?

Katra: ……………

Kaida: Oh, sorry folks. I finally decided to shut Kat up. Little bitch. Seriously, duct tape really is Kami…. Is there a duct tape religion? If there is, I should join.

Katra: ……….

Kaida: Well, duh! Because it's the one thing that will shut you up!

Katra: ………….!

Kaida: Yes, it is.

Katra: ……….!

Kaida: Yes.

Katra: …….?

Kaida: No.

Katra: ……………?

Kaida: Absolutely not! Eww! That's disgusting!

Katra: ….?

Kaida: No. Itachi, leave her alone.

Itachi: But, my beb-

Kaida: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW YOU SMEXY BISHIE!!

Itachi: Muahahaha!! You called me a smexy bishie! My existence has been fulfilled! I can now die happily!

Kaida: Like _hell_ you are. I'm not caring for the schitzo's baby, even if half of it is yours.

Katra: …….!

Itachi: Yeah, what she said!

Kaida: How _dare_ you two mock me like that! That's it, out! Both of you! From now on, you're not allowed to even be in the announcements page!

Itachi: But-

Katra: ………………,…………………,…………………,…………………..!!

Itachi: Oooh, that was a little low, wasn't it?

Katra: ……..!

Itachi: Oh, good point.

Kaida: You know what? Fine. I don't care. I'm leaving. _–grabs jacket and takes off-_

Itachi: Damn, you've really done it this time…. Now how will people know to review? Shitshitshit….

Katra: …….!

Itachi: What do you mean I should do it?! No! I'm not telling the readers to _**Review**_!

Katra: ….. . ……………… . … .

Itachi: …. You know that I hate you, right?

Katra: :)

**BIG DEADLY IMPORTANT MESSAGE!!  
If you don't review, I'm just going to take the stories off of here, Okay? I'm sorry to everyone who added me on their Faves, but I'm sick and tired of no reviews! IT'S FREAKING BS! If you don't review, I'll just delete the entire account, and yes. You can blame yourself. Okay? No more of this crap about "I don't know if I like it yet... I'll watch it to see." Either you like it, or you don't, but give me SOME SORT OF FEEDBACK!! Was it good, was it bad? Was it just iffy? Tell me these things or so help me God I will utterly ruin every single story on here! I'll delete them off of my computer and destroy them so completely that I will make you hate the pairings with a passion! I appreciate your time and hope you enjoy the stories. **

**Sincerely,  
OxyMoron **


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